Seder invite for that special someone: Is it the right time?
Washington Jewish Week, Mar 11, 2010 by Kurtz, Suzanne
A few years ago I accepted an invi tation to share a Passover seder at the home of my then boyfriend’s parents.
Since we were becoming more seri ous as a couple, I was excited to experience this undeniable sign of family acceptance. I bought a cute new dress to wear and some gourmet kosher-for-Passover chocolates for his mom. I prepped by asking for short bios on second cousins I’d be meeting for the first time and, in case I was asked, I practiced the Four Questions.
Shortly after the seder began, it became apparent that this night indeed was going to be much different from all other nights.
I learned quickly that in this family, the actions of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh could spark a hot debate on current U.S. Middle East policy. I witnessed a Haggadah reading enhanced by the insertion of several scratchy musical recordings – a lovely, albeit sederlengthening, touch. And not surprising, I discovered, no one makes kugel better than my mother.
In truth, it was a perfectly wonderful evening and few experiences provided as intimate a window into the theater of my boyfriend’s family. Their Passover hospitality, and peccadilloes, would set the bar for my relationships to come.
Hospitality is more than encouraged on Passover; it is required. We are commanded to leave the door open for Elijah the prophet as well as to invite all who are hungry to come and eat.
But when you are dating, the hungry can often interpret a come-and-eat invitation as more symbolic than the shank bone on a seder plate. And your family can become either a boon or a liability.
“For me, it’s an investment,” says Tara Chantal Silver, 32, a publicist in Washington. “Passover is a very big deal in my family. I don’t bring every guy home, just the ones who are special.”
So how do you know if it’s the right time to extend an invitation to that someone special?
“The first question to ask yourself is, do I want this person sitting beside me?” says relationship expert Andrea Syrtash. “But it doesn’t have to be a specific answer, like I want them to be the mother of my children. It’s a gracious thing to invite someone for the holiday. No one normal or healthy would freak out being asked.”
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz says to consider “the strength of the relationship over an arbitrary timeline.”
If you think the relationship has the potential to become long-term or serious eventually, Katz says, at some point you’re going to have to meet the family – and Passover is as good a time as any.
Adina Matusow, 28, and her fiance, Ben, took it slow spending the holiday together.
“As far as Passover, we weren’t so interested in sharing,” says Matusow, who lives with her fiance in Stamford, Conn.
By the time she went to his aunt’s house for Passover, they had been dating for nearly two years
gourmet chocolate